I'm too old for this shit

I wake up with cramps, y'know ladies *those* cramps, seriously, at my age? I'll be candid I've made arrangements so that any further conceptions are out of the question, after bringing two children through the toddler years I voted Tie My Tubes Doc, and frankly hasn't my body got anything better to do than pubescent-grade cramps? Like going to work on the 20lb of flab that it has clearly deposited in error about my person?
Despite my refusal to buy into the process, it continues unabated, bending me double and blurring my vision. I throw hay or corn at the animals where appropriate and head into town in search of chemical help for my age-inappropriate Woman's Problems..... Luckily I live in a town of elderly hypochondriacs and while we may not have a decent restaurant we have 2 large chemists, 3 doors apart.
The first has 3 different medications for cramps behind a glass screen with "under supervision" on them. I lean heavily on the counter."I really really need something for weapons-grade cramps." I gasp." We have these 3 tablets here" replies the woman at the counter.
"Yes I can see that, which is strongest?"
"Well, this one... But I have to ask are you over 50?"

(are you fucking kidding me?) "No, I just look it at the moment because I'm in tremendous pain. Could I have some tablets please?"

(carefree laugh) "oh no I can't do that, these are all under pharmacist supervision and she has taken her cat to the vet"
"So everything you have for ladycramps you can't sell me till she gets back?"
"Sorry"
"How long will she be?"
"Not sure, would you like to take a seat and wait."(pan out to a row of senior citizens sitting by the counter with haunted expressions, clutching prescription 
sheets
"How old were they when they got here?"
"Sorry madam?"
"Never mind I'll go to Other Chemist"

-----shuffles to Other Chemist, scaring small children------

"Please can I have something for cramps I'm dying here"

"sorry madam our pharmacist is on her lunch break."

"Are you fucking joking? Is she on a date with the pharmacist from First Pharmacist?"
"I'm not sure what you mean madam, have you tried The Pharmacist at the Edge of Town?"

(through gritted teeth) "They're probably having a threeway. Give me some Neurofen before I slam your head in that cash drawer"

There was nothing for it but to get back in the car and drive to the Chemist at the Edge of Town. This meant driving through Haslemere in the middle of the day and I only had to count to 3 before the inevitable Honda Jazz pulled out of a side road without looking and proceeded down the high st at a Tectonic pace in front of me. I swear these elderly motorists lie in wait for me, their giant hairy ears attuned to the sound of my car, flat caps and yattering permed wives on permanent standby like the Thunderbirds. Banging my head against the steering wheel (it made a change from the pain down below) I contemplated that in younger, more dissolute times when cramps like these were a regular monthly torture, I would roll up a pleasant herbal cure and page Dr Mary-J.

Eventually I ran out of patience with the bickering codgers in the car in front, I mean what is wrong with these people, why do they always have to lead a parade? Self-esteem issues? Put my boot down and unleashed 250 of the finest German horses in an overtaking manoeuvre that would have made Jeremy Clarkson orgasm. I may have waved regally as I sailed past. I chucked the car up onto the kerb outside The Chemist on the Edge and staggered in, like a wounded gunslinger going for their last shot of red eye.
Well obviously there was a queue at the counter, but the pharmacist was in-hurrah!
After listening to all the other customers describe their ailments in appalling detail, oblivious to the groaning zombie standing behind them I grabbed the cashier by the arm. "Cramps" I whispered, "Really bad cramps, need drugs now" she peeled my fingers off and went to talk to the pharmacist (I was keeping an eye on her in case she gave me the slip out of the window) "you need zuzmzncvchfln" said the pharmacist "fantastic stuff, works a treat"
"I'll take a large box."
"Sorry we don't stock it any more, shame it worked a treat for you -didn't it Susan?"
"Oh yes" beamed the cashier, "brilliant, I've got loads stockpiled at home"
I have never wanted laser eye beams as much as I wanted them at that precise moment.
"Have you tried Boots in town?" she continued.
"FEMINAX! I roared," just give me some sodding FEMINAX! You are all fucking mental in this town, I just want to go home now and get pissed!"
"I'm sorry madam, it's not recommended you drink with these"
"I beg to differ."

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