There has been a lot of comment and criticism of my chosen sport lately, and despite assurances from the governing bodies, media attention and welfare pressure groups seem hellbent on dragging us into the mud. As most of this comes frankly from ignorance and the usual British drive to belittle the successful, I feel the facts should be laid bare and open for you all to make up your own minds and let the chattering classes continue to damn what they don't understand.
Child Racking is a noble and beautiful sport, it's origins come from the Classical Spanish Inquisition but there is writing from the Greek and Roman times to suggest that the pursuit of the idealised etiolated form and perfect arching of the neck and spine is far older than that.
Currently I am competing in Child Racking at the highest level, with my two homebred youngsters, one of whom won the Grand Pricks for his beautiful flowing lines of agony as we exceeded our personal best and stretched him by more than 5 inches! Obviously competing at this level requires dedication training and considerable sacrifice on my part but I am not scared of hard work and will always be found putting the extra hours in at our training dungeon, and as an ambassador for the sport I am happy to help the up and coming Racking stars of the future.
My Racking Children always perform well and willingly, I can't imagine why those loony hippies who criticise imagine they don't enjoy it, their perfect teeth as they grimace and the rivulets of crystal clear sweat that run down their limbs show that these are not slaves as some would have, but happy athletes, performing at the peak of physical perfection. They have the best of everything when not competing, each has their own room with a bed in it and a window out onto the world. They can't go outside of course, they are far too valuable to run and play with other children, and they need all their reserves of energy to shine as I tighten the wheel. But they are immaculately kept, bathed daily, not a hair out of place and are dressed in the finest clothes.
I hope that this little missive has put the record straight to some extent, I feel that as a top level sportswoman I should not be discriminated against, I did not choose to be so talented in this discipline, and people with some kind of agenda - a load of Happy Slackers, if you ask me the lot of them- should keep their noses out of what they don't understand. Maybe they are just jealous of my success, I that winning the gold medal would have my nation proud of me but alas, this does not seem to be the case.
